I'm okay, and no violence happened. No need to worry.I was walking home last night, around 2am, and was about a block away from my place when a large-ish man stopped me and said "Delaware county?"
I said "what about it?" and he asked where it was, and then proceeded to explain that he needed to get there to meet his daughter etc., and soon after came the unavoidable request to help him out with some money. This happens pretty frequently in my life, but usually when there's more light and more people around, and the person asking me for money doesn't feel dangerous. I told him I wasn't carrying any cash, and he got a little irritated. By this point, I was already worried, and could definitely feel my heart pounding. I was getting ready for something bad to happen.
This kind of thing had never happened to me before.
We were talking all the while, and I was pretty intimidated. I had considered running, but was wearing my sandals (the strap on one of them often comes undone) and had my backpack on. He made it very clear that he wanted some money, and repeatedly said that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, and that he's not going to take anything by force from anyone (it was only him and me there, so it's pretty clear who "anyone" was). Despite his reassuring words, I was still pretty worried.
We ended up going to a nearby (1 block away) gas station, where I went inside a store to the ATM to take some money out. We talked on the way, and he was being proud of how well America and Philadelphia were treating me, and even let me know that "if we were in Israel and You came up to me and told me You needed some money, I'd help You out, You know?"
One of the more bizarre bits happened here. I asked him "how much would help You out?" and he said $20. I said "that's kind of a lot for me" and he responded "well, how about $15, then?" At this point I caught myself, realized how absurd this negotiation process was, and just walked in. As it turned out, the ATM could only dispense $20 bills anyway.
When we came out, I gave him the bill, and he shook my hand and offered me many blessings. "Your hands will be washed," he said, with a big smile, and I was thinking hell yes, I don't even want to know what I'm picking up from your hands right now. I watched him go before I started walking, and was hoping he wasn't going around the corner to meet me again and repeat the process.
When I got home, I was still scared and starting to be angry, trying to process the whole thing. I was wondering then, and still trying to figure out, whether I should've done anything differently.
- It's pretty clear, in hindsight, that I should not have walked home at 2am - I should probably get a bicycle so I can zip by rather than stop and chat with scary strangers.
- Possibly I should've crossed the street as soon as I saw him approach me. But he could've easily followed me.
- I could've also said "stay there! Don't come any closer" as soon as we started talking, which would've made it easier for me to run. But once we were walking past each other, it was hard to keep my distance.
- Should I have been carrying some self-defense device, like a tear spray?
- From a different side, I also wonder whether I should've talked with him more, and try to connect as a person. I did a bit of that as we were walking, and who knows what the effect was. But if there was a 24-hour diner right there, I would've considered inviting him for a meal to hear about his life.
- I probably should not have told him my real name when he asked for it (I wonder if he gave me his real name - the name he gave was about as unusual as mine, so not likely to be invented).
- I wonder if I should've called the police once I was in the store with him, and relatively safe. It's hard to imagine that the police would've been much help (especially given that, although I was intimidated, all he did was tell me how he's not into taking things by force from people). I was worried about him getting very angry and then coming for me later on.
- I also wonder if I should've called the police once I'd arrived at my place. I realized that I couldn't really give a good description of him, other than a vague sense of his height (which I probably exaggerated in my mind, since I was scared), the color of his jacket, the fact that he had something jingling in his pocket, and a fresh $20 in his hands. I could also tell them the name he gave me. But again, would that do any good? What would the police do? And would he then come after me? (since it would be pretty clear it was me who called the police on him).
Last night I received a very important lesson for just $20. The question is: What have I learned?
5 comments:
Glad to hear you're ok!
That is a hard situation indeed - hard to know how to balance one's own physical safety in a world that's not as safe as we'd like, with a desire to believe that people in the world are worth trusting ... also hard to feel like one's decisions are motivated by fear, however prudent of a motivation that may be at times. It seems like you managed to strike a decent balance and everything turned out ok.
K. had his laptop stolen literally off his lap when riding public transit a few months ago. It changed his habits while he rides (much more alert, etc) and definitely leads to some of these same thoughts, contemplations, unease, etc.
hi chamud,
sounds like a nasty night. i think you handled it very wisely after all.
hope you feel better now!
I am having trouble understanding what you have found so difficult about this situation. First of all, what would you have said if you called the cops, "Someone asked me where Delaware County is, I gave him $20 and he scared me?" The way I see this, the fact that you were intimidated in this says more about your upbringing than the level of security which exists in the world today. In a city like Philadelphia, you will be approached by all kinds of people asking for money, if you don't want a repeat of what you recount here, just say, "Sorry, don't have any money." and keep walking.
H, in general I have no problem dealing with people who ask me for money. This case was very different than anything I had ever experienced, since this guy was giving not-so-subtle hints about being willing to hurt me if I did not give him money. He was also grabbing my arm for part of the conversation (after I allowed him to come to close to me, which was my biggest mistake).
It just didn't feel like "sorry" would've done the trick. But perhaps You're right. Have You been in a similar situation? If so, when You said "sorry, I don't have it," was the situation resolved?
Sounds like a commong scam, I've experienced the beginning part of it myself in another big city. The basic idea is simple: get your attention, keep it for a while, get you to consider the possibility that the con man is a decent person and their story just might actually be true, yet also make you feel uncomfortable enough that you see some benefit in ending the encounter "smoothly", add to that the fact that you just were forced to invest 15 minutes of your time ... it probably works most of the time. In your case it was late at night, you felt intimidated, adding to your desire to end the situation without confrontation.
A variation on this is "I need money to pay for a bus to go see my kid".
My advice: sure, it's best to avoid such situations, but sometimes you can't, and sometimes they are forced upon you - get out of the situation as quickly and safely as you can. Ideally you don't make eye contact, just keep moving briskly, but keep aware of what's around you. Notice how he did not start with "Excuse me" or "Can you help me" but "Delaware county?", which was designed to surprise you and get your attention without you realizing that he wanted momey. Sounds harmless, but he knows that once he has your attention you are less likely to ignore him.
Once other people are around, say "you know what, you're making me uncomfortable, please leave me alone, good luck, bye".
Bottom line, you got away from it safely and with perhaps a new sense of your environment, at a minimal financial cost. But that might not always work, so it's probably better to ignore in the future.
Finally, be prepared for the next time you encounter this person - I'd suggest ignoring them and leaving the area, but I guess this all depends on how you estimate their true intent when the time comes ;)
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